I tread through the door with my flaccid plastic containing sweet sweets,
ones that I treat myself to oh too very often,
but I find my longing sister and my dreading mother hammering
flashing ultimatums, instantly, not confined
torn into pieces and latched into a beautiful teacup,
a teacup that cannot be gestured into, nor fulfilled.
This teacup is all that embodies gender socialisation,
and all that I am against. This teacup negates
the big red cut on seamless white skin, or
a painted black nail with all the pale
ones contrasting or me standing next to a dead person; paradigms
between life and not.
The teacup flashes as it cripples and breaks and thrashes
itself onto the old marble floor. The pieces laying adjacent
almost formed a perfect circle or star, but the pieces
were too very apart and I realised that I am, and she is
the pieces that were too apart because she is not a teacup.
I am not a teacup.
Oh daddy you live so far apart
and have you not started to dread
this arrangement you have loved from the start
or have you not rethought
your beautiful silverly arrangement?
Can a doctor be always right?
Or can’t one misjudge, since doctors are born human
and daddy, you are a human.
I think of all the miles banging between the island and the land
and all the hours it can
take before I see that face
that supposedly wishes me well, but I don’t notice.
I do not talk to my brother and I do not talk to my sister
But I talk to myself and I know myself.
And I ask if knowing yourself is worth over fulfilling
that teacup everyone surrounding you begs you
again and again to
and every time, every where, every place:
all the lands I travel and all the stars I gaze.
All the gardens of Mullingar, and the countryside
of Letterkenny and the turquoise deep twilight sky
of Exeter and prowling boredom of Douglas and Ramsey
and Lahore’s brutal pollution and and and
and I know that I know myself
because I have awarded myself the time.
I do not look down, I do not frown and I do not crown myself
as an elite, or an academic or someone who is so better
that he is so far up his own privileged dynamic
that he cannot consider what others
think of him. I just believe
in myself. I believe in my
values. I believe in what
I am accustomed to,
and what you
You got your wish,
and now I have discovered mine.
Now regret your wish, and all that is left behind.
I am not going to apologise.